📅2021-05-15 🕒09:31:53
Welp, most of my recent time went into thinning out the content of my apartment. It's pretty amazing to see how much stuff I accumulated during what I consider to be the weakest years of my life. When your life is empty and meaningless, just buy shit. Pretty much, eh.
So yeah... I've been throwing away tons and tons of stuff. So. Much. Garbage. Gone ! And I returned from each of my trips to the recycling center with even more joy and enthusiasm.
In some way, this was a long due exercice in revisiting my past, facing stuff I didn't want to, and finally letting go of some of it.
Not everything of course, and I definitely didn't discard my experiences which I still value tremendously. But I also didn't want to keep living with them in constant sight anymore. So in some ways, this is an ongoing closure of all those sad years, an existence now gone.
[... wip wip wip, good stuff I found and kept, fox-mementos that i'll cherish forever, etc, etc...]
And this is how I came to this fractured fingernail. I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened tho. Was it while carrying huge boxes around ? Pushing obscenely heavy closets ? Over-enthusiastically throwing stuff down the containers to watch them crash and shatter at the center ? Dunno.
I noticed it suddenly as my finger got caught on some tissue, and this is when I realized with horror that I was sooooo close to ripping the entire thing off XD
So I spent an anxious night and eventually went to the closest store to buy some fingernail hardening polish, which I've now been applying carefully with the hopes that it will do the trick XD Just gonna repeat this for the next 3-4 months now, yay ! :D
Soooooo if I vanish in the next couple of weeks, that's why. I died from broken fingernail. Not fucking Covid lol
[previous version]
Been quite busy and bored those last couple of weeks. Actually, "bored" isn't that accurate... I'd rather say I'm demotivated. It's weird. I'm able to throw myself, body and soul, into projects that will obsess and possess me for days - and I love those periods, as they are so insanely productive. And then, there are moments like those, where I'd rather just have calm and silence, and just listen to the void.
And lately, it's been a lot of this.
So I started a few relaxing endeavors instead, I weeded out the greenfield next to the river (it's been taken over by some parasitic plant named "Japanese knotweed" - fuck you, plant!) and also engaged in a much more dramatic quest : remodeling two entire rooms of my home, a task I'd wanted to do for ages, but never dared to start as it was just too much. Welp, now it's halfway done. And it's very satisfying to throw out so much garbage that had accumulated all those years.
So, yeah... this has been my main activity those last few weeks/months ? Whenever arose the desire to do something, instead of throwing that energy into render work, I found solace in diving into that room instead, exploring the relics of the past, and confronting all those open wounds... the many, many wounds associated to some of those items.
It wasn't necessarily enjoyable, yet... it also felt more real than render work. And there's been bad stuff, and great stuff. And for each of the bad things, I also found treasures. Some of those mementos, like that dumb bull cap she gifted me when I first saw her, Amtrak plastic cups I stole from the train trip, dozen of such idiotic items that each time opened up real, tangible gates to a reality that had happened... And I had just more joy in those moments than in chasing after ghosts in my stories despite all the pain that came along...
I don't know... have I reached the end of that great lie I've been telling myself during all those years ? Does this trick no longer work ? wipwipwip