Update 2 :
Ok, now that I ruined another submission by turning it in an outlet of bullshit, let's at least try to give it a proper description.
One of my most recent renders -of quite the adult nature- begged for some creative censorship.
In order to achieve this I needed to re-render some elements of the scene.
Once done, I looked at the result and enjoyed those extra parts, the simplicity was just relaxing, peaceful, in some ways.
So I cropped out that part and this is the result.
There are now 3 versions of this render, each one telling a part of the "story".
• The original, raw, adult one which hides nothing at all and is entirely graphic. This is one extreme, it is carnal, and it should be a rarity.
• The censored-one, that feeds both frustration and imagination the same ways. This one is quite neutral, and ideally, frustration & imagination should work together, balance themselves out and leave a sense of pleasant satisfaction.
• The mysterious one, that shows nothing at all. This is the other extreme : if the carnal one feeds the lust, then the innocence of this one shall warm the soul.
Now isn't that a load of bullshit ? XD
But eh, at least it's something ! Right ? RIGHT ?
link to pic :
Hold Still [Censored]
Update 1 :
Don't know what's going on, I slept three hours and that was it, then I rolled around for an eternity, and in the midst of this, my brain suddenly thought it would be a great idea to dig up memories from a few months ago and combine them in new interesting ways. And then I laid there 2 more hours, as if I had some sudden revelation, as if I'd missed something fundamentally important, as if I'd found the missing puzzle piece that made sense of the entire thing... and how everything I said and thought was wrong. And since then I've been doing some very uncomfortable thoughts-bomb disarming job, trying to not let those parasitic new thoughts interfere... But still, what if any of it was true ? Awful, awful, awful night...
On a positive note, I saw the results of the poll I placed in this description, and its kinda reassuring to know that high traffic bills will never be a source of preoccupations for me or the site XD
1 vote ! :D
[Thank you, voter !!]
One month ago, I placed a similar poll in a previous submission, and this one remained entirely unanswered for nearly the entire month. It's only 3-4 days ago that someone decided to give it some attention.
[Thank you too, voter !!]
Which brings this to a grand total of 2 votes ! This meaans TWO CONFIRMED VISITS within a month, yay ! XD
And if I'm truly lucky, then those might even be TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE !! XD
I don't really mind being so invisible, it's even better. Sure, I'd enjoy some attention and the positive inspiration that it might bring along, but too much attention turns people mad, it's a drug. This way, I'm at least free to do whatever I want and to write whatever crosses my mind without having to worry too much.
And when I'm doing shit, nobody will judge me neither XD
Now, though... to also jump back on that restless night... Every fiber of my heart wants to believe that those votes were from her... Even now, even when I invoke the coldest rational thoughts, am I not able to silence this possibility... this hope...
It would make everything easier just to admit this truth : I am mistaken. I should let it finally rest and move on.
But this is something that I simply refuse to do. I could, I should, but I do not want.
It is a guts feeling, an instinct, and this instinct is the keystone of the entire cathedral of my life, or at least of all those years of me knowing her. I cannot betray this instinct, cause if I do, everything will crumble apart and I'll lose myself.
Those two recent votes... and the likely "delusion" that I'm maintaining around 'em also brought up a terrible chain of thoughts...
In the form of a question that I wrote down some time ago, a theme I also wanted to explore in some renders : "what's more painful for you ? my presence or my absence ?".
This is a terrible thought... one that probably summarizes the entire thing...
There is just no solution... there is just nothing I can do... Each choice will lead to pain and suffering... And I've been tormented by this thought a lot... and by the fact that picking the path of absence, like I did it, was probably the worse of both evils...
I don't know what to do...
Besides, as I truly want to believe that she might be responsible for those votes, this also implies that every time I post new content or type a word here, I do it with the hope that she might read it.
And that right now, I am talking to her. That right now, I am talking to you.
I truly stand here naked and entirely vulnerable. I'm tired of hiding or pretending. And each passing day I dive deeper and build this delusion stronger...
It might be "better" for me, but I'm also certain that it just makes everything worse for you...
Anyway... just to go one step further and nail it in : if my guts feeling is right, and you are now reading this - I miss you... and I wish we could find a way to communicate again... even if we both know that I'll forever be trying and hoping to get more. This is the game we were made to play for. This is the game we both want to play... And if you're reading this, if my guts feeling is right... then the game is still on... even if your entire world screams "no".
But then... I also know that we'll both get hurt, and keep getting hurt... It was already unbearable before, I can't even imagine what it could be now... and yet... I'd still rather know than to remain forever in this uncertainty...
I wish I was stronger, I'd probably find all those answers in your art... but right now, I am not capable to go check on you. I haven't visited any of your pages in months, I have no idea of what I might find. But the little I saw just before I left was enough to frighten me. And right now, I am terrorized. I do not want to enter a world where everything could have been set up to hurt me in acts of spite and rage that I inspired... An ambiguous contradictory world where everything is a reminder that I am NOT welcome, despite you still wanting me to be a part of it.I could probably endure all of this... but there's something else that makes the entire thing truly atrocious is the ghost of self-destruction.
I once told ya about my heart laying open, and you having the choice to either embrace or stab it. This is still the case, more than ever now.
So stab me into the heart if this is what you need to end this rage... I could survive it. But stabbing your own heart to punish me I might not...
Hm...
Dangerous thoughts...
But if I'm mistaken you'll never see any of this, so.. not too risky I presume ?
And now I'm wondering... is all of this responsible for this chaotic night ? Have I been a battlefield between instincts and reason ? Hope and resignation ? The eternal struggle of the wolf/man... torn between two worlds, at home in neither of them... ?
Hm... well... I will not betray the wolf.
I will betray the human though.
lol
I shouldn't use my posts as diaries XD
And I should have tried to sleep instead ! XD
THIS is true madness ! XD
Original :
not in the mood to write stuff, done too much, done too hard, and there's even more waiting, overwhelmed and exhausted.
i'm drained and need some time to rebuild...
so i'll fill this out later
gallerycharasask3commissions