I woke up early again, it was something like 5 am, and couldn't sleep anymore, it was already too warm and the thoughts were already too strong also.
So I navigated them into a more comfortable and more controllable direction : cold technology, and thought of renders. I remembered of a trick I discovered a few months ago, that allowed me to catch shadows on non-floor surfaces. I don't think I ever applied it, so that motivated me quite a lot.
This is a trick that's required when a 3D render and a photo need to be combined. And in order to achieve better realism, shadows should be projected properly. Boring stuff, I know.
Still very annoyed by this abysmal render I did yesterday, I thought it would be fun to immortalize this failure in the shape of another pretty miserable moment that happened that same day.
So I finally decided to escape the realm of the half-dead and made my way into the world of the half-living. Turned on my computer, launched my render software, took my phone and snapped a photo of my bed-couch-thing.
Yeah, bed-couch-thing. This old, ugly, cat-defiled thing has been my bed for the last.. 7 years I think ? Isn't that crazy ? I have an entire bedroom waiting for me, a huge comfortable bed with a mattress as good as new, and yet, I haven't used it in years. The entire room is abandoned actually, with only my internet-modem breathing inside. It's quite fascinating, it often feels like a sacred place when I enter it. So calm, so comfortable, and with this device giving it some illusion of life.
Pathetic enough ?!
There's actually a very good reason I don't use this room anymore : it serves as a storage room and contains lots of boxes. And the cat is curious. And the cat is persistent ! That little piece of shit ! It's JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO SLEEP IN THAT ROOM !! CAUSE HE KEEPS SCRATCHING AND CLAWING INTO THOSE BOXES ! THE ENTIRE FUCKING NIGHT ! WTF IS WRONG WITH THAT CAT ?!?!?!
So it was just easier to abandon the place and head to the couch. The room with the computer. The room with the music. The room with everything I need to generate some purpose.
And who needs a pillow, right ?
Anyway !
And so I took a photo of this miserable couch with the intent to recreate this yesterday's moment of weakness.
I then measured the entire thing, tried to get the dimensions and proportions as accurately as possible, and build my shadow catching trickery.
I then loaded Kat, gave him a preexisting pose, made a quick test-render to check if the shadows would work, merged it quickly with the photo aaaaaand... I liked it !
So I kept it at that, and didn't even begin working on the thing I wanted to do.
But that's OK, I'm still pretty proud of this result. The technique "works" pretty well, and over time I'll probably fine tune it and improve it. The combination of both images isn't perfect, I know. Surely cause I didn't put enough work into the lighting, I just stopped at the very first satisfying-looking result - this was just meant to be a test-render after-all.
I'm planning to try this again with another, similar idea.
Ok, and now that I've written all this technical bullshit...
So here are more words and thoughts, just for you.
Random bullshit that I need to get out of the system, otherwise it will keep tormenting me. Nothing finite, nothing solid, just floating thoughts that I might rewrite and update whenever, just a quick outlet for my thoughts.
I'm still in this uncertainty if you're reading this or not... but as I already said, I need and want to believe that you are. And that we're now playing another, even stupider game of pretending, with casual, superficial PS chats while this madness here is boiling bellow the surface.
You know me... you know that I need to go where I'm not allowed to go... that I'll keep digging into the most dangerous places of the soul... cause this is were the truth lies. I'm pretty sure that it will ruin me, but if that's the price I have to pay, then so shall it be.
So I'll keep going down... I'll keep thinking things that the entire world will judge as wrong and bad. I'll keep saying things that are outrageous and deeply intimate. I'll keep doing it.
I don't know how long I'll be able to do this though... parts in me want to believe that I could do this forever, but I'm not sure if this is really possible.
And I'm also not sure how long you can tolerate this...
So in the end, it's just the same game again, but played on another level. It is pretty weird actually, cause... in many ways it "works"... What I mean by that is that I get to express to you what I desire and feel... and you get the satisfaction to embrace this fire whilst existing under your mask.
And ultimately, we both know that we know.
And I'll keep trying to come close to you. And it will surely bleed into our casual chats. Hell yeah, you know I'll try... and throw hints... and try to reduce the distance to you. Just... so I can touch you... Just so I can get you weak enough to acknowledge it... to acknowledge me, to acknowledge yourself, to acknowledge us... with one single fragile hint.
Til I go too far, til I come too close...
And you'll slap me down. And you'll ignore me. And you'll punish me... then yourself, heading down another spiral of self-destructive overcompensating...
And I won't learn my lesson... and I'll keep healing myself, and coming back at you... keep digging towards you...
But still... this... this will also destroy both of us...
I will eventually burn up and explode...
And you will implode under your mask...
And no one will be there to hear us scream... to save us anymore...
So I don't know... this is probably all wrong. On so, so many levels. I shouldn't write any of this, I shouldn't think any of this, I shouldn't do any of this. But as I already said many times : I do not care...
And again, again and again : if you're not here, then there's no harm at all, right ?
Hm... and, well... I'll say it at least once : IF you are here, and IF I'm wrong...
Then please...
Please... fox... let me go... release me... just go away, enjoy this freedom you won, and never look back at me again... just abandon me in my world once and for all...
... but I also know that you'd be ready to sacrifice yourself entirely to "set me free".
You're such an idiot... DON'T !
Well... more terrible thoughts at a later time I suppose.
For now I'll leave it here... And wait and observe. See if the tone of your replies changes. Try to read between the lines. Or take your eventual silences as signs that you might have read this. And should you never answer again... well... then thank you for the closure... I guess...
...
...
And you're still reading this right ?
And you have no idea what to do... right ?
Well...
This is tricky...
I'm still unable to tell if you're that malevolent creature that only lurks to steal from my fire to attempt to reinvigorate its own dead world... or if the soul bellow the mask is still dreaming...
this world will never grow, and it will never fullfill you, nor will it love you, nor does it even care about you. This is a superficial world, where every inhabitant dreams to escape from...
But I know that the combination of both is deadly, to any-whom it feeds on... The mask that once protected has long been corrupted now... The hypocrisy... The lies... The mask that protected you will ultimately suffocate you... and it will take down everyone else